The 15 Worst Ways to Dump Or Be Dumped

Breaking up is hard to do, so don’t make it worse for both parties involved. In case you’re confused, consult my handy list of the 15 ways to not to break up with your girlfriend.

1. Don’t break up with her using “your art.” Don’t write a song for your girlfriend and tell her you’ve moved on in the chorus. What if that song gets stuck in her head? Put your guitar away and break up with her the old fashioned way: unaccompanied.

2. Don’t break up with her via a text message. This is only appropriate if you’re in junior high—the technologically au courant way of note-passing—and even then, no twelve year old should be given an iPhone. They should be forced to run around a playground until they all give each other the cooties and it cancels out of societal taboo, like HPV or feminism.

[from my pseudonymous column at The Gloss]


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