What I Know About Gambling

Saying you’ll be there and actually showing up are two different things. Everyone knows that.

Me, I’d rather not show up. These days that means just about anything. I’m telling you this ahead of time to save you, you know. I’m doing you a favor because I say I’ll be there. I’ll say it right to your face. It’s not like you’ll remember, anyway. It’s not like you would even mind. I could blow smoke right in your eyes and you’d still smile, still let me interrupt you just to hear my own voice and articulate six ideas in twenty seconds. But that won’t happen, because—and this is the whole point—I won’t be there.

They say the house always wins. That’s another one everyone should know.

What do I know? Wait—I’m dealing. I suck at shuffling cards and I suck at gambling. That’s a hell of a lot more than most people would admit. Most people won’t even admit they wait for the other person to shut up so they can talk and here I am saying to you that I won’t show up. And, by the way, I can’t make a good bet because I can’t make a decision. But I haven’t work that one out yet. How’s that for the vig.

Yes, if you’d like to start over, if you’d like to call, don’t make me any promises, don’t wait around, and don’t ask me for anything ever.

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