An Insightful Email from a Rejected Suitor, #6

After a long and necessary hiatus from posting my growing collection of Insightful Emails from Rejected Suitors, I had to include the follow up to my Craigslist Killer date. This is only a few choice quotes from a much longer, crazier email. Keep in mind, I paid for half the first date. And I sent a polite note a week later saying I would prefer being friends. Ready for the psycho?

Subject: One last thing

I thought about you since that scathingly passive aggressive email you dumped on me for late pickup and I’ve realized this is for the best. Hey, at least you syphoned a few premium miles out of me via the show-and-tell debacle. And based on my brief encounter with Mr. Winner McAwesomepants, it’s no wonder you’re not interested in somebody with a pulse.

I’m a really nice guy, but not when you pull the jersey over my head and start wailing away. Cheap shot. I could never be friends with you anyway because you’re as soporific as smooth jazz and a king-hell solipsist to boot. I should have figured with you being a publicist. But you also succeeded in further tainting my perception of the female population. If you would have responded to me and actually talked to me on the phone like a human being, then I would not be writing this wretched email. But I don’t take shit from anyone, and I’m certainly not going to let you drive a diesel-guzzling Mack over my ribs and brush it off like yesterday’s news.

Maybe you’re not used to hearing this, but I call ’em like I see ’em, and I’m tired of getting shafted beyond shaftivity. That’s why I posted that ad, and that’s why I’ll never post one again. Perhaps we’ll run into each other at a karaoke bar and you can tell all your friends I’m the “wild and crazy” guy you went on a date with. I’ll be with a girl who isn’t afraid of grabbing life by the balls.

Res ipsa loquitur.

[name redacted]


4 responses to “An Insightful Email from a Rejected Suitor, #6

  1. what the fuck, does this guy think he’s hunter thompson or something signing his letters
    “Res ipsa loquitur?”

  2. Ouch, well at least he has a good vocabulary.

  3. Wow.

    “It’s all your fault I hate women EVEN MORE now! Wah! Why won’t you cater to my needs and stop being such a bitch and just go out with me even though you told me don’t want to?! Because my needs are so much more important than yours! How dare you not answer the phone when I call you? You have to answer your phone at all times especially if it is me, the guy you don’t want to see anymore! WAH!”

    Dude’s unhinged and a total egomaniac. Since when is accepting a polite rejection with dignity “taking shit”? I thought that was called being a normal, rational adult.

    Nice dodge.

    Also someone needs to tell him that “scathingly passive aggressive” is sort of an oxymoron. Put down the wig and thesaurus, pick up a clue.

    Keep the emails and voicemails, may need them for a restraining order. The psychos, they are everywhere.

  4. if this guy isn’t a frustrated MFA, than I’m going to guess he is either working on his fourth unpublished novel, third anthology of shitty irrelevant poems, and fifth ‘genius’ screenplay about intellectuals in new york…


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