After a long and necessary hiatus from posting my growing collection of Insightful Emails from Rejected Suitors, I had to include the follow up to my Craigslist Killer date. This is only a few choice quotes from a much longer, crazier email. Keep in mind, I paid for half the first date. And I sent a polite note a week later saying I would prefer being friends. Ready for the psycho?
Subject: One last thing
I thought about you since that scathingly passive aggressive email you dumped on me for late pickup and I’ve realized this is for the best. Hey, at least you syphoned a few premium miles out of me via the show-and-tell debacle. And based on my brief encounter with Mr. Winner McAwesomepants, it’s no wonder you’re not interested in somebody with a pulse.
I’m a really nice guy, but not when you pull the jersey over my head and start wailing away. Cheap shot. I could never be friends with you anyway because you’re as soporific as smooth jazz and a king-hell solipsist to boot. I should have figured with you being a publicist. But you also succeeded in further tainting my perception of the female population. If you would have responded to me and actually talked to me on the phone like a human being, then I would not be writing this wretched email. But I don’t take shit from anyone, and I’m certainly not going to let you drive a diesel-guzzling Mack over my ribs and brush it off like yesterday’s news.
Maybe you’re not used to hearing this, but I call ’em like I see ’em, and I’m tired of getting shafted beyond shaftivity. That’s why I posted that ad, and that’s why I’ll never post one again. Perhaps we’ll run into each other at a karaoke bar and you can tell all your friends I’m the “wild and crazy” guy you went on a date with. I’ll be with a girl who isn’t afraid of grabbing life by the balls.
Res ipsa loquitur.