Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too

This awful thing happened to me when I graduated from college a few years ago. It’s embarrassing. It’s personal. It’s probably not appropriate to say aloud anyway. Whatever, okay, it’s a disclosure of sorts. Here it is.

…I can’t bring myself to fuck anyone without feelings.

No, shit, let me rephrase this. It’s that I can’t bring myself to fuck anyone I don’t have feelings for.

It still sounds awkward and rightfully so. Sentences like these weren’t meant to be written, nevermind shared.

And while as a person I am irrationally overwhelmed with the so-called pathos of everyday existence in New York, it’s been an epic struggle to find anyone I connect with.

I wasn’t always like this. No, I remember Ross in college, big ugly Ross who hit on all of my friends, and probably slept with a few of them, getting me high and picking up hamburgers from Wendy’s. Then we went back to his dormroom that cold winter of Junior year to have halting sex on his stiff mattress. So what, it didn’t even feel good, but it felt good enough.

I’m not saying I need to be in love. I never said that. After all, I don’t fall in love easily; it’s only happened once. Maybe once and a half if you count European desperation. Regardless, I’m not foolish or prudish enough to wait around for it, if it ever decides to knock. I just need some sort of mental correspondence to get me going. Because I can drink myself into a spinning slut of courageous proportions, but in the end I am too dizzy and tired to do anything but exchange sloppy kisses and spoon.

I’ve tried. I tried this summer, with a friend, to have casual sex. It didn’t work. Yes it worked, technically speaking, but I felt awkward and paranoid. The tension that was there somehow evaporated when his lips first touched my neck. I imagined intellectual feelings for him, like a kinky sexual fantasy in reverse.

And now it’s November. Months later.

My bed is still empty and the beat of urgency has all but worn off. I’ve called off the search. I’ve taken up late-night television and finishing the books I’ve started. Which is to say: If this is emotional maturity, you can have it back. If this is what it means to fully understand the beauty of making love, well fuck me! What good is making love if you can’t even find someone worthy of a good fuck?

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7 responses to “Wow, I Can Get Sexual Too

  1. Well I have to start by saying that I find you to be very in touch with your feelings. Which from what I’ve read may be a catalyst for your concern. Even being a guy I do understand what you are saying. I may be less apprehensive towards having casual or even random sex but still I am left just as unfulfilled as you have explained. Surprisingly very close to how you have terrifically explained. I think one of the causes of this feeling is similar to a drug addition. Ok that sounds very wrong but hear me out. Sex is used as an immediate source of what is percieved to be a deep affection or should be atleast. So when we would attain this high ,if you will, of sexual and emotional pleasure it would come with almost what addicts would call a come down. This would leave me feeling worse then I had felt prior to sex; akwardness, guilt, and the overall lack of recieving what I really wanted, something real. So after repeating this process enough I would begin to learn that the instant gratification ofinformal sex wasn’t the answer. This is where I think you are at. You’re starting to realize you’re looking for something more. I know that it seems almost depressing to face the reality of life with out love but remember love is a feeling you yourself experiences. You can have this experience with anything. Your reading is an example, of course not as intimate as it would be with another person but im sure you have friends and family to love. And as far as the late-night television, for me is watched when Im alone and being alone at night I’ve found to be very inspiring. When Im alone at night without distractions Im forced to be inside my own head and I learn and love more and more about myself every night. So I guess you could say we have called off the search but this crazy love process is more of a journey than a search. Im hoping these past few months have just been a minor set back in relavance to the entire journey. So just don’t lose hope, the night is darkest before the dawn.

  2. I think Derek said it all in a more well written manner than I could have. We are all capable of emotionless sex but afterwards you are left feeling more empty than you started. On top of that comes guilt about what you just did.

    I completely relate about the struggles of trying to find someone in this vast wasteland of bodies who you can have “mental correspondence” with as you said. It’s fucking hard. I date like a fiend and never really like anyone. Simultaneous mental and physical attraction is fucking hard to find.

  3. As a guy, when last I checked, I too find it completely impossible to make love without some sense of feeling for the person I’m with. And ultimately, Derek is right. Love starts from within.

  4. “If this is emotional maturity, you can have it back.” I love that sentence.

    Many of my idealized concepts of adulthood have certainly lost their luster once experienced up close.

  5. Well, all I can say is, me too. I’ve given up even attempting to have meaningless sex because, as the first commenter pointed out, it’s way too much like the “Oh yeah, doing those lines is a great idea!” then the next day is ruined and you’re on a coke crash and you hate yourself and the person who offered you the thing in the first place situation. Not that I’d hate a person I randomly, feelinglessly hooked up with, because that requires real emotion. Maybe hate’s too strong a word. Since the breakup, I’ve been on two dates, gotten embarassingly, brain-cell-decimating drunk both times (usually just to be able to stand the date) and even then, STILL, I couldn’t. I toyed with the idea, thinking that maybe that would help me get over the ex, but when I started to imagine the reality of doing it, I then abandoned the notion almost immediately. Maybe it’s because I’m still in love with my ex. Maybe it’s because I’m a grown-up now. Whatever it is, I’m glad for the change, to be honest. I think post-meaningless-sex crashes are worse than even the most bottoming-out, want-to-kill-yourself coke crashes. It’s self-hatred on a whole nother level. For me, anyway.

  6. Pingback: Sex Without Love « Subway Philosophy

  7. I agree, casual sex is more exciting and yummier if done with so much emotions. However, if you’ll be doing it out of lust, then go!

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