In times of great turmoil, economic or not, we tend to internalize. My best friend in medical school expressed guilt that she has government loans. I felt terrible dropping an uneasy hundred at a bar last week. Whatever.
Let the record show that I still haven’t received my $600 stimulus check from the government that was supposedly sent to me in June. Yeah, and you thought it was seven hundred billion. It’s actually $700,000,000,600.00.
The time has come; Alas, I’m broke. I’ve spent too much on used books and mixed drinks. I’ve come home drunk and spent embarrassing amounts of money on American Apparel’s website. Look, I admit it! But it all happened so fast– I was in over my head. We all were. It was a glitzy, feverish zeitgeist, and we were all caught up in it, every one of us stifled by greed.
But now my rent is due and I have a credit card statement that needs to be opened. My expenses from work haven’t been reimbursed yet. I’m in the hole, like, $200. Jesus. Christ.
So it’s time to bail me out.
Good citizens of America: Pay up now or I will single-handedly kill what’s left of your precious free market. That’s right. I want my goddamn $600, and I want it now. You have all night to think about what you’ve done and how you’re gonna fix it.
You’ve been warned.