3am

It’s after 3am. I can’t sleep. I’m not even trying. I’m worrying, you know, of all the stupid shit I’ve done and not the ramifications of anything but my own self-worth. These late lonely nights are always tinged with regret, aren’t they? And sadness?

I don’t act sad anymore. I wear my new-found happiness like jewels.

So what. My bed is a warm cocoon.

To tell you the truth, I am all alone and wondering why I let him in my bed last week. I would rather not let him in at all then have these few impassioned nights that leave me emotionally and physically drained. I meant to say just physically. I don’t let anyone know where I emotionally stand anymore. I try not to be stupid. I don’t act sad anymore.

The last time I stood my ground emotionally, he walked. I walked, too. It all felt queerly symmetrical, the exit consistent, the blame escalating into a stalemate. But he walked first, you know?

It all leaves me, and I do mean leaves me, feeling frustrated and vacant.

Vacant — that’s a lie. The city is churning and heaving and masses of people spill out around you quick, like a middle school diorama of real life that’s been dumped on you, little paper buildings and even smaller paper people fluttering through your fingers.

It’s enough, I tell myself, to stay awake all night, hanging onto your pillow, breathing in the white noise hum alone.

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2 responses to “3am

  1. Sounds like life really sucks for you, I’m sorry.

    I think that sex is the worst thing that can happen to a relationship because the with the physical closeness you assume an emotional connection that may or may not be there.

    My current girl friend and I didn’t meet under the best circumstances and we were baseball bat blunt and also very honest with each other. We both developed a deep respect for each other and we probably won’t have sex until were married. Even though there is no sex, its the most satisfying relationship I’ve ever been in.

  2. Pingback: Happiness is a Warm Blog « Subway Philosophy

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