Antichrist Television Blues

There are three types of people in this world: There are people who have television, people who don’t have television, and people who don’t have television and will proudly announce to anyone who will listen to them how long they have gone with out a tv set and how great they are for it. These people, the ones who inelegantly brag about their lack of a boob tube to anyone who will listen, are the worst.

I was looking at the facebook profile of a random kid I went to high school with. Under her favorites shows, she writes I haven’t had a television is almost a year! Great, asshole. Did getting rid of your television weaken your reading comprehension skills? The category here is favorite television shows, not addictive and incredible socially pervasive technology you’ve overcome.

I have a television, and I’m not afraid to admit that I watch it. A lot.

Tonight I watched a pilates dvd play on my laptop and made grunting noises on my hardwood floors feeling restless and bored. Achey, sore, tired, and bored. So I turned on 60 Minutes on my bulky tube television and simultaneously watched and performed a beginner’s pilates lesson all while learning the penny is even more useless than it was six months ago.

If that’s not efficiency, I don’t know what is. Unless you say addiction. It might be that, too.

When I moved to the city and into my old apartment uptown, I plugged in the cable and the television miraculously worked. I had network television, CSPAN 2, the Food Network, and Bravo. For free! I also stole wireless internet. It was a sweet deal for a publishing assistant making under 30k. But now that I’m making ever so slightly more money and, let’s face it, no longer have free internet and television, I have sold my soul to RCN. Do I want to upgrade to HBO and high-speed, RCN asked me. Hell yes. Don’t even tell me how much. I’ll pay it. I’ll find a way.

I don’t have a television, some people say, feigning modesty. I haven’t had one for years.

Yes well, if the road to hell is paved with good intentions, then the path to salvation is paved with infomercials. And I intend on watching all of them.

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3 responses to “Antichrist Television Blues

  1. I say the path is paved with Frasier reruns. Oh,and Seinfeld,Will&Grace & Mad Men. But that’s just me. Or is it…???

  2. The path is actually paved with Law & Order reruns, informercials & 80’s videos on VH1 Classic . . .

    But more to the point, how are you feeling?

  3. Pingback: Sleep the Clock Around « Subway Philosophy

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