Strange Condition

I admit it. I have before. I am constantly diluting myself for men so I don’t scare them off. And the constant manipulation of my own brain has given me a headache. It has turned me into this lesser, Manhattan-fashioned imitation of myself.

There was someone, once. Just once. He is far away now. And although we don’t speak anymore, I must admit he was the only one who could manage to keep up. Well he certainly tried. But then, you know, it gets tiring. It gets exhausting. I have been told that by men: I am exhausting to keep up with. So then they bolt. Or I get bored.

Is it any wonder all of my exboyfriends live in different time zones? That the closest one is, last I heard, in northern California, another is in Hawaii, and one more in England?

Listen: I know I am exhausting. I exhaust myself. I thought I had mono for the past month before I realized I just needed to have a martini and turn my brain off. Perhaps it’s why I drink. Perhaps it’s why my writing is simultaneously self-involved and detachedly esoteric, full of little buried blips of puns and planned-out internal cadence.

Here is a secret: Every therapist I saw growing up eventually told me the same thing. They told me I think too much.

I wonder about the line I crossed that separates just enough from too much. And I wonder if I could, or would ever want to, stop myself from crossing it.


3 responses to “Strange Condition

  1. You can’t “think too much.”

    You can think “stupid thoughts,” you can “think yourself into a migraine,” or you can “think yourself out of the box,” but you can’t “think too much.”

    It’s what you do with the thought that defines you.

    I know many who “think too little.” And, in so doing, they define themselves almost immediately.

    There’s a certain mystery in “thinking too much.” And mystery is good, guys dig mysterious women.

    Just try not to talk too much. Guys hate that…

    Nice post!

  2. I think you’re perfectly fine the way you are, and I enjoy your writing immensely. And also I think your therapists are shits for ever telling you that you “think too much.” WTF? Sure you can overthink things – I’m guilty of that myself. But think too much?

    Oh and those guys who get exhausted by you or call you exhausting… let them sleep.

    Someone once told me that I am too intense for most people, so I try to keep a Lite version of Antiplath running during the day for work, acquaintences, etc. The problem is, I’ve started forgetting that the Lite version isn’t the Full version. Every now and then you have to let the Full version rip, consequences be damned.

    Just my opinion, but I think the just enough/too much line is mercurial like a school of silver fishes – nearly impossible to pin down, and it loses all of its beauty if you manage to. “Too much” is what makes life interesting. No one ever wrote a book about a woman who knew when to shut up. Please don’t shut up.

  3. With all due respect to H4G, you CAN think too much. I dont’ think that applies to either you or AP, but then again, I don’t really know either of you.

    That being said, your problem is that you are born in an age where the great majority of men have gone into retrograde. There are so many single women I know who have to dumb it down for the guys they are with. I used to think it was because these men were just not interested in an intelligent woman. I think that men are just stupider than they used to be. Or more dumb. Or something.

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