“I met his family today. Oh, and I also had butt sex. Shut up. It wasn’t gross, it just didn’t feel right. Well, I felt fascinated — like I wanted him to stop but also not to. I was also so drunk and had just thrown up a few times. And want to hear the grossest part? I got my period today, but at first I was like, ‘Ahhhh! My butt is bleeding!’ I was so confused. It took me 5 minutes to be like, ‘Ooooh’.”
Dear all female friends of mine,
I do not and will never approve of you having butt sex. That shit is gross. For real. From what you’ve all told me, it hurts like a bitch and feels awful. What a shocker. The only positive aspect I can admit is that the conversation is frought with puns. But that is not reason enough to have a dick up your ass.
Gays: carry on.