Snip City, USA

For guys who park in front of the TV during college basketball’s March Madness, the Oregon Urology Institute has a suggestion: Why not use that time to recover from a vasectomy? Need an excuse to stay home and watch March Madness? An Oregon clinic suggests a vasectomy. “When March Madness approaches you need an excuse … to stay at home in front of the big screen,” the clinic’s radio ad says. “Get your vasectomy at Oregon Urology Institute the day before the tournament starts. It’s snip city.” [CNN]

I’ve been advocating the point and snip birth control for years.

I am so sick of women souped up on hormones, vomiting out their daily dose of their estro-cocktail after too many martinis. I’m sick of waiting on a long line of 20-somethings at my Duane Reade who all think maybe we don’t know they’re refilling their Yaz or refrigerated NuvaRing. Come now (or don’t), ladies. We know you’re boning your co-worker sometimes after happy hour. It’s cool with us. But could you get that shit delivered? Nevermind my Duane Reade on the UES is staffed by paint-chip ingesting mutants. I’d really like my allergy pills. My nose is fucking stuffed.

Men, how often does your woman break down and sob for no reason? I bet ALL THE TIME. Because she is so pumped full of progesterone and water weight she can’t help it. She has turned into an irrational cow. But hey, this way the two of you can lie in your sweaty hung-over bed without having to run back to my Duane Reade to stealthily buy the morning-after pill.

Can you even imagine a pill for the men? I don’t want to. You men are all meat-headed and whiny enough. I don’t need to elaborate. You all make me roll my eyes so hard I’ve developed bruised sinuses. So it’s time. Happy March. Now step up and drop trou.


5 responses to “Snip City, USA

  1. I agree — I think birth control pills are shit. Many of my female friends have stopped taking them because of all the negative side-effects.

    A ex-gf of mine had an IUD, which was great because she didn’t have to take the pill and we didn’t have to use a condom, but I realize this is a somewhat extreme measure and it may not be for everyone.

    I think the best thing to do is make sure to use condoms properly and appropriately and pay a lot of attention to the woman’s cycle — maybe not have sex for those days she’s the most fertile, just in case.

  2. My guess is a male “pill” would make us whiney. Perhaps a little more sensitive???

  3. honestly….. if i was gay i would be in love with you. you’re brilliant. i had a party tonight. about 7 or 8 people…. i read a lot of your blog out loud. drunkenly of course. it was like a new religion for us. the room was silent, intently focused on your words. i’m drunk now, so whatevs. XOXO— your new fan club in Cali

  4. PS: sorry i know you hate that i don’t use Caps or commas. my bad

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