I always wanted to be a food critic!

Buddakan. It’s just overpriced Asian-fusion in the has-been Meatpacking. Why was I there? Oh, come on. You know it wasn’t my idea and you certainly know I wasn’t footing the bill.

The four of us sat down in the lush and cavernous interior to be greeted by a huge ass bird candle centerpiece. It was so big I couldn’t see my friend, or the waitress who came over to chat with us. Pushy and rather annoying, she used a pedantic voice when explaining the “family style” approach at Buddakan and suggested at least four entrees and four appetizers to share. Normally I would have rolled my eyes at so much food, but because I wasn’t paying, I enthusiastically concurred.

I also insisted on ordering drinks.

I went for the “Fate”, which I felt like a moron ordering. However, the elderberry-pineapple-prosecco combo proved to be a delicious one. Throw elderberry in anything and I am a happy camper. My friend’s play on a gin and tonic also won me over, but it was not so memorable that I can remember what it was called, or even what the “play” was.

On with the apps!

The duck and foie spring rolls were an interesting way to serve up such fatty and succulent delicacies; which is to say I can’t believe anyone outside of wd~50 would fry foie. Passable at best. The pork belly, served dimdum style, was a bit stringy for my liking, and just not as rich as I prefer. You know, that fat should be so moist, but it was on the gummy side and tough to chew. The chili beef tartar was delish, but it’s hard to ruin a tartar if you’ve got quality goods. And finally, we all loved the frog legs, wok sauteed and covered in a ginger sauce.

By the time the appetizer plates were cleared away, we were all starting to feel it. Now it was time for four entrees? Oh god. First thing’s first: Get rid of that fucking bird candle centerpiece — which a waiter did, patronizingly asking me, “Do you want to bird to fly away? Say the word, say the word, this bird will fly away.” Yes. Get rid of that fucking bird, asshole.

Okay. Entree times. We tried to mix and match, but definitely went meat heavy, starting off with the short rib we had heard good things about. Thumbs up, but nothing too special. Next out was another meaty delight, this time the veal cheeks, prepared over lo-mein noodles with pickled apples. This entire dish was fantastic, and for the record, I had never had veal before. Unfortunately, I’ll now be ordering veal cheeks. Oh, don’t hate on me, I’m sure I won’t be able to afford it anytime soon.

We followed the heavy meat dishes with rice with Chinese sausage, which was a pretty food fried rice, but at the end of the day, just fried rice. Hard to ruin. The pièce de résistance of dinner was the Three Crab Delight which blew our minds. The most delicate and sweet pieces of crab were served over more crab on top of crab. I can’t explain to you how wonderful it was: I tried to hawk most of it but was soon overthrown by the other half of the table.

So by this point we were ready for a trip to the vomitorium, but no, we went for dessert, which were all actually phenomenal. The highlights were  my blueberry tart served with mouthwatering corn (yes, corn) ice cream. Also a big winner were hot, fresh donuts with ginger ice cream. Clearly I am a sucker for kooky ice creams. The chocolate thing was also good, but I am over chocolate, and the other dessert was some thick white something covered in meringue. Eh, I can take or leave meringue.

All in all, the food was pretty good. You know, give me a yummy cocktail and throw down some gourmet offerings like foie and crab and pork belly and I’ll be smiling no matter what.

But! I have had much, much better without all the pretense, without the attitude, and without the lame bridge and tunnel crowd.

Sorry, Buddakan. Meatpacking is offish over.