Things my new apartment has that my old apartment lacked:
-A dishwasher, which has changed my life.
-A bath tub, which has already allowed me to read two books in four days.
-A cable box, which allows me to let my brain rot while I’m not reading.
-An elevator, which will make my calf muscles atrophy.
-A view of the Empire State Building, which I brag about often.
-An extra 200 square feet of space, which creates a slight echo in the living room.
-An ice-maker, which makes my water colder and my ice cleaner.
-A bill for my cable and internet, which sucks dick.
